Sweet and Tender Hooligan
by AfarGazer
Summary: In which Sirius is brooding, Remus wants to be a good friend and absolutely nothing happens on the Astronomy Tower.


It was the uncomfortable stretch of time when Remus knew he had to make a decision. It could go one of two ways. He could do nothing and go back to his normal state of self-loathing. Or – he could do something and get through the panic, anxiety, desire to throw up, and maybe, just maybe, for once, end up feeling proud of himself.

Without really registering it, he chose the latter. He found his feet moving, leaving the dorm, climb out of the portrait hole and up the steps to the Astronomy Tower. When he reached, he finally gathered his wits.

And there it was. The panic.

Lovely. Just bloody brilliant.

Sirius was standing with his back to him, leaning over the parapet, smoking a cigarette. In his tight-fitting trousers and ragged, unbuttoned shirt with rolled up sleeves, tie and robes discarded on the floor, and maddeningly sleek hair (a source of endless fascination to Mr. Potter), he cut a most annoying and intimidating figure.

Time to be a good friend, Remus told himself firmly. No backing out now.

"Sod off, Potter."

Remus squirmed. "It's me."

Sirius turned around. His brows creased, then relaxed. "Oh," he said. "Hey."

"Hey," said Remus, cautiously.

Sirius sat down against the wall, and beckoned to him to come over.

So far so good, thought Remus. He went and sat next to Sirius.

Sirius showed no indication of wanting to talk, but Remus knew how to play this. It was a matter of hilarious irony, but Sirius was really more like a cat than a dog. He took his time to deign you worthy of trust, and even then, there was no guarantee that he would let you come close.

They sat in silence for ten minutes, Sirius puffing out smoke rings and looking into space with blank eyes, like some kind of pathetic, brooding philosopher.

Then –

"I am untouchable."

Remus blinked. This was not what he had expected. This was not even a word. Was it?

"What do you mean?"

Sirius looked uncomfortable – for the first time today. The bravado was off, James wasn't around and it was dark. Maybe that's just what it took.

He sighed. "I mean… no one will ever do what Evans did for Prongs, for me."

Remus recognised what he was feeling right now. It was doubt. The great, ugly, nagging doubt that always crept up when he was in the midst of doing something out of his comfort zone, which was usually enough to convince him that he shouldn't be doing whatever he was doing. He swallowed it down.

"Padfoot," he started.

Sirius hung his head forward, flicking ash from the cigarette on the ground, his fringe falling gently into his eyes, and Remus tried to restrain his fingertips.

"No one will ever _feel_ that way for me," Sirius continued. Once the first line of defense had been breached, he could be quite expansive. "I always knew I'm not like him. He – he's the fucking prince of this place. Bloody tosser. Of course, Evans likes him. Loves him, whatever. And of course she would care and fuss, and actually put her life in danger to protect him."

His volume was lower now, and his tone, less steady, and he stared resolutely at the floor.

"And he would let her. That's the difference, isn't it? I wouldn't'. Hence, I am me. Untouchable. And that's how it is."

Remus had been trying to rehearse what to say in response, but Sirius's words kept him from thinking clearly. This, was not what he had come here to try and fix. This was too much… brokenness, and it made him so angry. He _knew_ this feeling, and he hadn't come here to deal with this kind of miserable, searing _sentiment_ , it was supposed to be just Sirius, sulking, caught up in his usual moodiness, needing to be distracted, needing to be coaxed and calmed down, brought back to normal.

He tried to pace himself.

"You would do that too, you know you would. Put yourself in danger. For Prongs. And he would do the same for you."

Sirius clucked his tongue.

"I mean," Remus turned around so that they were face to face, "It doesn't have to be exactly like that, a girlfriend, a family."

Silence.

"It isn't… anything," Sirius said, tonelessly. "These things, they matter. They are stupid, and Prongs and Evans can be unbearable at times, and Merlin knows my family is nothing but a big, fucking joke, but that's what it takes… to be… a person."

Remus felt his heart sink.

"To save and be worth saving," Sirius ended grandly.

What a prick, Remus thought.

He had hit peak nervousness now, but he knew he had to power through.

"The point is," he said quietly, "There _are_ people who care about you, just as much… as you want to be cared about."

Sirius met his eyes for a second and then looked away. But in that moment, Remus had seen the flash of fear in his eyes, and that's all it took for his own to vanish.

He put an arm around Sirius, amazed at his own courage.

He felt Sirius tremble.

He put his other hand on the boy's cheek and stroked it lightly.

"You idiot, Padfoot…"

He felt Sirius relax under his touch, ready, finally, to be comforted. That was the final signal Remus needed.

He pulled Sirius into a hug, continuing to be wonderstruck as Sirius made no show of resistance, and feeling much bolder now. He kissed the top of Sirius's head and rubbed a palm up and down his back.

Sirius was breathing harshly. "Moony," he muttered.

"It's ok," said Remus. "It's ok, it's alright, I promise." He took a deep breath and went in for the plunge.

"You are not 'untouchable'," he pronounced in clear, assured words. "You moron." He kissed him on the cheek. It was the first time he had ever done that. "You are brilliant," - another kiss – "and you are an amazing friend" - one more kiss – "and - "

Remus felt himself falter.

"You are loved," he finished, disappointed with himself, but knowing it couldn't be any other way. "Very much," he added with a final kiss to the forehead, soft and chaste.

After a while, Sirius looked up.

Remus's heart was properly jumping in his chest now, wondering what hell he was in for. His arm was still stuck around Sirius's neck. The other one dropped awkwardly on the side.

Sirius's eyes were glinting. For a second, Remus thought he was close to tears, but on a closer look, he looked as mad and dangerous as he always did. Sirius Black, the madman.

This is it, Remus thought. He was going to have to throw himself off the tower. It was the only way. He had done what he thought was right, and now it was all over.

Then Sirius grabbed the back of his head and kissed him full on the lips, plying Remus's mouth with his teeth and tongue, raking his fingers through Remus's hair, clutching Remus's robes.

Remus responded on instinct, matching every move. He kissed back, as he held Sirius firmly in place, finally able to smooth his hair with the right amount of force, caressing his neck the way he had imagined doing so many times, letting himself _be held_ in the space between Sirius's arms.

They kissed for a long time. There was nothing in his life, no feeling, no experience, no sensation – that compared to this.

He let Sirius undo his robes, run his fingers up his shirt, touch his bare skin. He ran his own hands over Sirius's chests, his nipples, his belly button, the line of hair right above his trousers. It was amazing to be doing this… feeling Sirius… freely, feeling his skin, running his mouth over his neck, biting his shoulders, knowing he was leaving bruises that would be visible to the boys in the dorm.

And then to have Sirius kiss him, like he cared, like he was feeling the same things as him, Sirius with his absurdly handsome features and taut body, his strong arms and his ability to express violently and passionately, feelings that were always dancing on the edges of his eyes but contained there, waiting to be tapped and invited out.

Sirius, let loose, and how exhilarating it was to be at the receiving end.

As they broke apart, after another long bout of kissing and biting, Sirius seemed like he ready to talk.

Remus felt the panic start to rise up again in his throat again. He had to forestall this.

"Padfoot, you… you don't have to say a word."

Sirius stared at him.

"I mean, if you don't want to."

Remus felt himself shaking like an idiot.

"Moony." Sirius looked at him, and then suddenly, just like that, smiled.

It was unfair, Remus thought, that anyone could look so good, so attractive, and so utterly lovable, with just a tiny turn of the lips.

Remus remained silent.

Sirius was recovering now, mischief filling up his eyes in a familiar way, his smile widening into something Remus was not quite ready to deal with.

"What's wrong, Lupin? Something got your tongue?"

Bastard, thought Remus. I hate him. This was such a bad idea.

"I hate you," he murmured.

Sirius smirked, and stretched out his legs, apparently satiated and no longer in the mood to huff and smoulder and be angry at the universe. He took Remus's hand in his own and continued smiling.

It could have gone one of two ways, Remus thought. And here he was, in a fit of anxiety, wanting to throw up. But he had to admit, he was a little proud of himself.


End file.
